Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples Seattle, WA. Seattle

You're Exhausted.

So is your Relationship.

Therapy for High-Conflict Couples

Online Therapy serving Seattle, the Eastside, and Washington State

Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist

Every relationship has conflict. But yours has started to feel like a cycle you can't escape.

The fights come fast, they go hard, and the silence afterward can last for days. Sometimes you don't even know how you got there. You tried to tell your partner something was bothering you and twenty minutes later you're defending yourself, bringing up something that happened three years ago, or wondering how the conversation got this far off the rails.

You've promised yourselves you won't do this again. You've tried walking away, choosing your words more carefully, waiting until you're both calm. And somehow, when something really matters, you're right back here.

You love each other. But lately, underneath all the anger, defensiveness, and hurt, you're both starting to wonder: Why can't we stop doing this to each other?

Your nervous system hasn't had a real break in a long time.

And neither has your relationship.

Does This Sound like Your Relationship?

Arguments escalate quickly and feel impossible to stop
Raised voices, harsh words, or language you both regret afterward
Long silences or days of withdrawal following a fight
Small disagreements that explode into something much bigger
One or both of you shut down completely when things get intense
Long silences or days of withdrawal follow a fight
You feel like you're walking on eggshells between conflicts
You've had versions of the same fight so many times you can practically predict how it will end
You're exhausted, on edge, and bracing for the next conflict even on the good days

HOW I WORK

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy as the foundation, but high-conflict work requires more structure than standard couples therapy and I provide it.

I will interrupt escalation in session. That's not optional. When things start to spiral, I stop it, and we slow down to understand what just happened rather than letting it play out and cause more damage.

Virtual therapy requires that both of you take responsibility for your own regulation. I'll help you build that capacity, but I need you to show up willing to try.

I will be direct about what I'm seeing. If one partner's behavior is consistently doing more harm, I'm not going to pretend otherwise in the name of neutrality. I'll name it — clearly, and without judgment — because my job is to work in the interest of your relationship, not to keep everyone comfortable.

That means sometimes I'll call something out on behalf of your partner, or on behalf of the relationship itself.

I also won't shame you for the intensity.

The anger and reactivity aren't coming out of nowhere. Underneath them are usually much more vulnerable experiences: feeling dismissed, criticized, unimportant, rejected, controlled, abandoned, or like nothing you do is ever enough.

When we understand what's happening underneath the fight, the intensity starts to make a different kind of sense. We'll slow down enough to find it, and I'll help you learn to reach each other there instead of continuing to fight.

High-Conflict Couples Therapy and Marriage Counseling in Seattle and Washington State.

What becomes possible

Bringing up something hard without losing the rest of the night (or the next two days) to the fallout
Recognizing when you're starting to spiral and knowing how to stop before you say things you'll regret
Understanding what your partner is actually trying to tell you underneath the anger, criticism, or withdrawal
Being able to say I'm hurt and trust that your partner can hear it without immediately defending themselves
Repairing after conflict instead of carrying it into tomorrow
Feeling like you're on the same team again, even when you disagree
Trusting that the next hard conversation doesn't have to threaten the entire relationship

This is not therapy for every situation.

High-conflict does not mean abusive. If there is physical violence, coercive control, or deliberate actions to assert dominance or intimidate in your relationship, couples therapy is not the appropriate setting and I will tell you that directly.

Safety comes first, always. If that's what's happening, I will help you find the right support.

If what you have is intensity — real, exhausting, damaging intensity that you both want to change — that's what this work is for.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

If you recognized your relationship on this page, you already know that what you're doing isn't working.

You've tried calming down. You've tried talking it through. You've tried promising that next time will be different. And yet when something important gets touched, the same pattern takes over.

You don't need another strategy for avoiding the next fight. You need to understand why the two of you keep getting pulled into it, and learn how to find each other again when something hard happens.

You can disagree without destroying the rest of the night. You can be hurt without becoming enemies. And conflict doesn't have to keep making you question whether your relationship is going to survive it.

Schedule Your Consultation Call

How do you work when things get intense in session?

I intervene. I don't let escalation run unchecked — not because conflict is bad, but because unstructured conflict in session rarely produces insight and often causes more damage. When things start to heat up I'll interrupt, slow it down, and redirect us toward what's actually happening underneath the intensity. That's where the real work is.

What if one partner is carrying a lot of resentment and won't engage in session?

Resentment is almost always protective — it's what happens when someone has been hurt enough times that staying guarded feels safer than trying again. I don't push past it or dismiss it. I work to understand it, and I help your partner understand it too. Resentment that gets seen and acknowledged tends to soften over time. What keeps it locked in place is feeling like no one's taking the hurt seriously. That's something we can change.

Are you someone who sits back and listens, or will you get involved and be direct?

Direct. I'm not a blank slate and I'm not going to nod along while the same painful cycle plays out in front of me. I'll name what I'm seeing, point out patterns as they happen, and tell you honestly what I think is getting in the way. I'll do all of that with care — but I won't withhold it in the name of keeping everyone comfortable. That's not the kind of therapy that moves the needle.