When Infertility Starts to Come Between You
When Infertility Starts to Come Between You
couples therapy | couples counseling | seattle | eastside | washington state
You're both working toward the same thing. You want the same future. And somehow, in the middle of all of it, you've never felt further apart.
That's one of the cruelest parts of infertility that doesn't get talked about enough — not just what it does to your body or your calendar or your finances, but what it quietly does to the space between two people who love each other.
Why it can feel like you're going through it alone — together
Even when both partners are fully committed to the process, the experience of infertility is rarely symmetrical. One partner may be managing medications, tracking cycles, and absorbing the physical weight of treatment. The other may feel helpless, uncertain how to engage, unsure whether to bring it up or give space.
Neither person is doing anything wrong. But that mismatch in experience — if it goes unnamed — has a way of creating parallel tracks where there used to be a shared path.
In this week's episode of Coupled With..., I sit down with reproductive and perinatal therapist Alicia Ferris to talk about exactly this. It's one of the most practical and emotionally honest conversations I've had on the podcast, and if you're in the middle of a fertility journey, I think you'll find it genuinely useful.
What tends to pull couples apart
The couples I work with navigating infertility aren't struggling because they love each other less. They're struggling because the process creates conditions that strain even strong relationships — decision fatigue, grief, changes in intimacy, and an unrelenting focus on outcomes that can make sex feel like a task and connection feel like a luxury.
When intercourse becomes goal-oriented, desire tends to follow. When one partner is carrying the mental and logistical load, resentment can build without either person fully realizing it's happening. When there's a difference in urgency or readiness around next steps, it can start to feel like you're not just on different tracks — you're in different relationships entirely.
None of this means the relationship is failing. It means it's under significant stress without adequate support.
What staying connected actually requires
The couples who move through infertility without losing each other tend to share one thing in common: they find ways to talk about what's underneath the logistics. Not just "should we do another round" but "I'm scared about what it means if this doesn't work." Not just coordinating calendars but naming the grief, the exhaustion, the fear of hoping again.
That kind of emotional honesty is harder than it sounds, especially when both people are already depleted. But it's what keeps two people feeling like teammates rather than strangers sharing a waiting room.
It also means protecting the relationship itself — not putting everything on hold, not letting intimacy become purely functional, not disappearing into the process so completely that you forget you were a couple before this started and will be one after.
Listen to the Coupled With... podcast episode below
When to get support
There's no right time to reach out, but earlier is generally better. Couples therapy during infertility isn't about crisis intervention — it's about having a place to process what's happening in real time, before the distance becomes harder to close.
Sometimes one partner needs individual support first. Sometimes what's needed is a space where both people can speak honestly without fear of making the other feel worse. Often it's both, at different points in the journey.
If you're in Washington state and finding that infertility is affecting not just your family-building process but your relationship, that's worth taking seriously. The strain is real. So is the possibility of coming through it more connected than when you started.
Rachel Orleck, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist and certified EFT couples therapist with over 12 years of experience working with couples in distress. She offers couples therapy in Seattle, Eastside, and all Washington state.
